Boredom = Fun

maybe this is hypochondria (or something like that).

yes, it possibly could be.

or maybe i really do have asperger's (and ocd and cyclothymic disorder).

possibly.

well, here are the stuff they say about it:

1. People with Asperger syndrome lack the natural ability to see the subtexts of social interaction and also lack the ability to broadcast their own emotional state. Non-autistics are able to gather a whole host of information about other people's cognitive and emotional states based on clues gleaned from the environment and the other person's facial expression and body language, but people with Asperger syndrome have an impairment in this ability, sometimes called mind-blindness. To be mind-blind is to find it difficult or even impossible to figure out things a person implies but does not say directly (more colloquially, to "read between the lines"). This is not because they cannot imagine the answer but because they cannot choose between the possibilities; the mind-blind person cannot reliably gather enough information to do so or does not know how to interpret the information he or she does gather.

Now, how is this one like me? Oh nothing, just that i'm slower than the slowest slug in getting social stuff. no, not in school stuff--i get them just fine, thank you very much. but oddly enough, most people have to S-P-E-L-L out those subtexts of social interaction to me. just yesterday florenz told me that i was stupid (because i didn't get a thing he said when it was in plain tagalog). and honestly, i really wasn't offended because i get that a lot. the 'stupid' thing, i mean. in social subtexts. rarely with other stuff, though.

2. Along with this difficulty in reading the nonverbal communication of others, most people with Asperger's have difficulty expressing their own emotional state via body language, facial expression, and nuance as most people do. Such people have emotional responses as strong as, or perhaps stronger than, those of most people, although what generates an emotional response might not always be the same; the difficulty is in expressing these feelings, although it sometimes comes across as lacking them. For example, many people with Asperger syndrome have difficulty with eye contact. Some make very little eye contact because they find it overwhelming, whereas others have unmodulated, staring eye contact that can cause discomfort to other people. Similarly, the use of gestures may be almost nonexistent or may seem exaggerated and differ from what would normally be considered appropriate for a situation.

Ah, so true.I find it hard to express ANY kind of facial expression. Except laughter and sadness. Which I seem to be extremely abundant of to a point when i seem to be overreacting (when i SERIOUSLY am not--i really TRULY feel the actual feeling). And with the other expressions, well, let's just say I only have them because I think they're appropriate for the situation. So as to not make people think I'm more of a freak than I already am.

3. Asperger syndrome can involve an intense and obsessive level of focus on things of interest.

Duh. So true, because obviously I'm still searching for psychological disorders at two in the morning.

4. People with Asperger syndrome often have little patience for things outside these areas of interest. During the school years, many are perceived as highly intelligent underachievers or overachievers, clearly capable of outperforming their peers in their field of interest yet persistently unmotivated to do regular homework assignments (sometimes even in their areas of interest). Others, in contrast, may be hypermotivated to outperform peers in school.

Unmotivated smart girl? Totally me. I mean, I'm not saying I'm absolutely BRILLIANT or anything, but I can definitely do better than I am now. I'm just too lazy to do anything. Or unmotivated, if you want a damn fancier term. (But I'm still lazy to me. I rarely even do my homework.) But then I can be extremely hyper when I think someone's trying to make themselves better than me. Who don't really deserve it, but only do it for the bragging rights. I mean, duh, do it for yourselves, boys and girls, not for other people. DUH. If you're smart (like you claim you are) you should know that. Besides, smart people don't need constant reassurance from other people. If you're smart, you would most possibly know a lot about a lot of stuff. So obviously, also included in that 'lots of stuff' is the fact that you're smart. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure the bloody thing out.

5. Many people with Asperger syndrome also make idiosyncratic use of words, including new coinages and unusual juxtapositions. This can develop into a rare gift for humor (especially puns, wordplay, doggerel, satire) or writing.

One of my recently discovered talents, writing. Humorously. I think. Mae usually likes my one-liners. My grade school teachers always told me that I wrote well, but I never did listen to them. I always thought that I only have a good aptitude in English, but I didn't have the emotion to go with the compositions. But teenage angst has drove me to actually write how I felt about stuff I loved and hated. Unlike in grade school, when I don't even think I felt anything.

6.Children with Asperger syndrome often display advanced abilities for their age in language, reading, mathematics, spatial skills, or music, sometimes into the "gifted" range, but this may be counterbalanced by appreciable delays in other developmental areas. This combination of traits can create problems with teachers and other authority figures. (It may be relevant here that one of the social conventions many people with AS ignore is respect for authority. Attwood notes a tendency to feel that everyone should be treated much the same regardless of what social position they occupy; the student with AS may not give respect to an authority figure until he or she feels it has been earned, an attitude many teachers either do not understand or take strong exception to.) Like many other gifted children, a child with Asperger’s might be regarded by teachers as a "problem child" or a "poor performer." The child’s extremely low tolerance for what they perceive to be mundane and mediocre tasks (such as typical homework assignments) can easily become frustrating; the teacher may well consider the child arrogant, spiteful, and insubordinate. Meanwhile, the child sits mutely, feeling frustrated and wronged and often having no idea how to express these feelings.

I've always been above my grade level in reading and maths, above average in spatial and good in music (I sing and play a couple of instruments). But then I've always had problems with teachers who I don't respect. (Seriously. I think the guy who wrote this artice has been spying on me.) Quote from an artice I previoualy wrote (entitled 'RESPECT IS TO BE EARNED, NOT ORDERED'): Some think that just because they hold high position in office or come from a good family with a good reputation, they have to be respected. But actually, they don’t, because that respect should be gained by a person as an individual, and not by just riding the bandwagon. And as I mentioned earlier, I don't make stupid assignments like those you only have to copy from the textbook to your lecture notebook. I mean, DUH, then what use is your textbook? To ogle at when the class gets too boring??? (I make maths and everything because you can actually learn from it, but never those copy-the-blahblahblah from the book. Especially for Religion class. Because my this little thing I have called my common sense could've told me that. And we would've discussed the bloody topic anyway.)

7. On the other hand, many people with Asperger syndrome may experience inordinate levels of distress at having their routines disrupted or being denied the opportunity to express their special interests. For example, a child with Asperger syndrome may be a gifted writer for her age and may be happiest when spending class time working on her stories. The teacher may insist that the student instead pay attention to the lesson or work on assigned homework assignments. A non-autistic child in such circumstances may be mildly upset but probably would go along with the teacher. For a child with Asperger syndrome, on the other hand, such an experience can be extremely traumatic and leave the teacher and the rest of the class wondering why the normally withdrawn child is suddenly angry or upset seemingly out of proportion to the situation. Dismissing the child’s concerns at such a juncture – perhaps by characterizing the concerns as immature or disrespectful – can be a serious blow to the child’s self-esteem, which is often fragile already.

This. Guy. Is. Spying. On. Me. SERIOUSLY. Because this is what always happens in class. I listen, but I don't take down notes. I write poems or other stuff instead. And then my teacher would usually ask me what I was doing in this accusatory tone. To which I couldn't answer to for some unknown reason, even though I've already planned my answer in my head for the past five minutes. (And is it my fault her class doesn't interest me AT ALL? Duh, it's her job to interest us, but then she get's mad if we aren't. It simply means she's not doing her job right.)

And I'm actually planning on showing this list to the Guidance Counselor at school, to have them tell the teachers to lay off my case, at least for the time being, either for having Asperger's, hypochondria or simply being paranoid.

Gillberg's criteria are as follows (All six criteria must be met for confirmation of diagnosis):

1. Severe impairment in reciprocal social interaction (at least two of the following)
   1. inability to interact with peers
   2. lack of desire to interact with peers
   3. lack of appreciation of social cues
   4. socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior
2. All-absorbing narrow interest (at least one of the following)
   1. exclusion of other activities
   2. repetitive adherence
   3. more rote than meaning
3. Imposition of routines and interests(at least one of the following)
   1. on self, in aspects of life
   2. on others
4. Speech and language problems(at least three of the following)
   1. delayed development
   2. superficially perfect expressive language
   3. formal, pedantic language
   4. odd prosody, peculiar voice characteristics
   5. impairment of comprehension including misinterpretations of literal/implied meanings
5. Non-verbal communication problems(at least one of the following)
   1. limited use of gestures
   2. clumsy/gauche body language
   3. limited facial expression
   4. inappropriate expression
   5. peculiar, stiff gaze
6. Motor clumsiness: poor performance on neurodevelopmental examination

I think I'm turning into one of those crazy people in Veronika Decides To Die, who want to be considered crazy so they could act in an aberrant way. I think I'm one of the few people on earth (except those who ask for alms) who don't actually mind being pitied. I mean, it's pity. SO WHAT?

Ack. Maybe I am crazy.